


534

by Pepper_Sanders



Series: Timeline 534 [1]
Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Cheating, M/M, Other Partners, POV Multiple, episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 06:32:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19785193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pepper_Sanders/pseuds/Pepper_Sanders
Summary: Eliott calls Lucas in the middle of the night. It has been four years since they last spoke. What happens next changes everything.





	1. Chapter 1

There are several timelines that are almost exact. There are those in which Lucas and Eliott last a lifetime, there are those where, sadly, they do not. But in every timeline, they find each other, they are each half to a complete whole, and no matter how long they are partners, they are love in its most wonderful, imperfectly perfect state. The following is timeline 534; this is just one of the stories about Lucas and Eliott. 

**Lucas**

When the call came, it took him back to the breakup. Eliott had just had a manic episode that had somehow ended with him going on a binger with Caleb, a guy with whom he had attended University. Lucas had never trusted Caleb, but he never thought Eliott would ever cheat on him, not even during an episode. They had moved in together, had been through so much (good and bad) in the six years they’d been partners, that he knew their bond was greater than any adversity. 

Eliott had it tough after graduating. It took him a while to find a job and find his footing. Lucas was pursuing his Masters, so had two more years of school before he could work full time. They fought over money because Eliott always tried to fix everything on his own instead of talking it through with him so they could figure it out together; it was an indication of a bigger problem they had dealt with since they were teenagers. And yet, they were still deeply in love, still dated each other, still couldn’t get enough of each other. They were still going strong, or so Lucas had thought. It had been one of Eliott’s most manic and depressive episodes, and after the smoke cleared, Eliott wrote Lucas books of letters and poems, most of them about how terrible he felt, how he could never forgive himself, how he needed Lucas to forgive him even if he couldn’t stay.

Lucas’s heart had been torn to pieces, but he’d held it together for the sake of Eliott’s mental and physical health. There had been a wife involved, and she had not been so forgiving, had almost physically hurt Eliott, which had caused a whole host of other problems, both legal and mental. 

Eliott had gone to the doctor, had sought therapy, and they had even gone to counseling. It seemed like they would make it through, but Lucas could tell something had switched in Eliott; he could feel that he was being pushed away, or rather that Eliott was pulling away, although he promised Eliott that everything was fine. He promised him they could heal from it, learn from the pain, and be stronger for it. Eliott, however, obsessed about making it up to Lucas, obsessed about making amends with Alison, the wife, who wanted, understandably, nothing to do with them. He needed her to understand...forgive him. Eliott had broken all ties with Caleb. After learning more about what transpired between Caleb and Eliott, Lucas knew he had been right to distrust Caleb, but Eliott took all the blame, accepted all the blame, even the part that was not his to own.

Then came the night. They both drank so much that everything that had been bubbling beneath the surface spilled from their mouths like water from a breached dam. Lucas said things he regretted in the light of day, but the damage had been done, and Eliott had been convinced he had irrevocably severed what had bound them so tightly together.

He’d left the next day, and Lucas had not been able to get in touch with him for three weeks; it had been the worst three weeks of his life. His already small frame dropped ten pounds as he wasn’t able to keep much food down. His friends rallied around him, and slowly, bit by bit, he returned to some kind of normalcy. Eliott sent him a text confirming that he was alive and well and that he just needed time to reset. The weeks turned into months, and when Lucas tried to call, Eliott would not answer. It had taken Lucas a long time to feel like himself again.

Eliott finally reached out about two years later, but they found they could not really be friends. Lucas had just ended an on-again-off-again dalliance (he couldn’t even call it more than that), and Eliott was dating someone at the time, but as soon as they hugged, they knew it would not work. They could never be “just friends” even after all that time apart. Eliott had kissed him that night, just an innocent brush across the lips, but Lucas had felt like he was sixteen all over again, all the memories rushed back in an instant. Eliott still smelled the same, still looked the same, although he had a little more facial hair and sported a shorter hairstyle. They had said goodnight and promised to keep in touch.

They remained in touch through social media, but weekly messages turned to monthly updates, and then just the obligatory annual “happy birthday” comment or post. He knew Eliott had dated, both women and men, the longest relationship, and the one that admittedly caused him a little pain was with a guy named Tomas. Tomas was small in stature and wore hipster glasses. His hair was thick and black, but what stood out the most was his toothy smile. The relationship seemed serious. Lucas might have stalked Tomas’s page for a few months, but then he had met Michele, a doctor who joined the medical research lab where Lucas worked as a chemist -- tall, violet-eyed Michele. He was not Eliott, but the way his fingers danced, the way he smiled, was close...enough, and he had fallen, first slowly then all at once. 

At first because, yes, Michele reminded him of Eliott, if just a little, but really because Michele was sweet and funny and sexy. He got Lucas, really understood him. Michele demanded honesty about everything -- his fears, his kinks, his dreams, his desires. He encouraged Lucas to be honest and open about everything, even if the truth would hurt, and he gave the same in kind. Lucas had never been with someone so honest and transparent from the start. None of his relationships had ever been that way.

And then, right when he thought he was finally getting into the groove of his life, the call had come. It was Eliott. He looked over at Michele sleeping in the bed beside him, already feeling like he was cheating by just answering the call. Why would Eliott call him at 2 a.m. and after so long without any direct contact? It could not be anything good.


	2. Chapter 2

**Lucas**

“I need you Lu Lu,” Eliott sounded slightly inebriated, tired. “He-he left me.” His voice hitched. “I’ll send you the address if you can come...I just want to talk...nothing more.”

  
It seemed he knew about Michele. “Michele will wonder where I’m at. He...knows about you, knows how I feel...felt...about you; he won’t understand.”

  
There was silence on the other end. He heard a cough, then muttering as if Eliott were talking to someone in the room. A few silent seconds passed. “I’m sorry, Lucas. I don’t know why I called you. I don’t want to cause you any trouble. I know I’ve ruined your life enough.”

  
“Eliott, you didn’t ruin my life. It was minute by minute, right? That was the deal?”

  
“Yeah...”

  
Lucas could feel his pain; it was almost palpable through the phone, and he was transported back to the year they met. He remembered the promise he made to himself...the promise he made to something bigger than himself.

  
“No, I’m sorry, Eliott. I will come over,” Lucas said. They would always have a connection, and he had promised himself he would always be a refuge for Eliott if he ever needed him, whether they were together or not.

  
He felt rather than heard Michele near the kitchen entryway. Lucas told Eliott to hold on, begged him to not hang up.

  
“Are you ok, babe?” Michele asked.

  
Lucas muted his phone. “Yeah babe, I’m ok.”

  
“Who is it?” Michele asked.

  
“It’s Eliott. I think Tomas left him.” Lucas saw something pass quickly across Michele’s eyes - fear, trepidation, weariness? “Do you want to come?”

  
“Fuck, yeah, I’m coming!” Michele laughed, but the laugh seemed forced.

  
Lucas shook his head. “I need you to be okay with this, but you know I have to go.”

  
“I know...you were honest with me about...’the one’ when we had the conversation, so now I feel like we have to go. If something happened...you’d resent me, eventually.”

  
“I would never do that,” Lucas assured him. “Michele, I haven’t seen him in over four years. You’re 'the one'. I love you now; I’m in love with you.” He kissed him, wanting him to feel secure, needing him to believe in what they shared.

  
Lucas returned to the call; Eliott was still there. He put Eliott on speaker so Michele could hear. “Hey, Eliott, I’m bringing Michele, ok.”

  
Eliott’s voice became energized. “Of course, that would be great!” He sounded genuinely excited. “I’ll make you guys something. I’ve been wanting to meet him.” Eliott’s response seemed to calm Michele a little, although he still seemed wary.

Lucas wrote down the address and hung up.

  
“Shit, I didn’t want to like him, too,” Michele grumbled, as he left the kitchen to get dressed.

  
A little while later, they were in the car, the silent Paris streets a soft cocoon around them. Michele was quiet, his hands clenched tightly in his lap. Lucas grabbed them, unfurling them, holding them in his own. Michele looked over and smiled but was still silent the rest of the ride.

  
Eliott greeted them at the door. He was smiling, but there were purple bruises under his eyes, his hair was rumpled, longer again, like he wore it in high school.

  
“Come in, come in, I made you guys a little breakfast- slash-dinner thing.”

  
He ushered them in, and they sat next to each other on the couch. The apartment was cluttered but cozy; there were brown, worn leather couches in the living room, and art and books all around.

  
“Tomas is a chef, and he’s taught me a thing or two...otherwise Lucas wouldn't eat my food, Michele,” Eliott joked.

  
“I heard...” Michele said.

  
Eliott brought out dishes: eggs and croissants and some kind of fancy salad that was really flavorful. Lucas was shocked at how good everything tasted.

  
“It’s actually really good,” Michele said, his mouth full.

  
Eliott popped the cork on a bottle of white wine and poured all three of them glasses. He sat in the leather armchair next to them.

  
“Thank you. I’ve picked up a thing or two from Tomas...It’s so good to finally meet you, Michele.”

  
“Likewise,” Michele said.

  
Eliott paused as if to gather his thoughts. “I’m really thankful to you both for coming. I just couldn’t be alone right now, and sadly most of my friends are also friends with Tomas. I just didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.”

  
Only Lucas saw it, but Michele rolled his eyes as if saying, “So you chose to crash my party.” Lucas reached over to place his hand on his thigh, which earned a small smile from Michele.

  
“What about Idriss, Sofiane...you are still in touch with them, right?” Lucas knew he had broken ties with most of their friends from the university because of their association with Caleb. Lucas had done the same.

  
“I was...in touch, but Tomas is a little jealous of my friends from high school.” Eliott took a sip of the wine, glancing down into the glass as if searching for an answer to his problems within its liquid depths. He looked up at Lucas, meeting his eyes, but quickly looked away again. “Anyway, that’s been our biggest issue. I’m honest with him, but he’s very protective.”

  
He sounded controlling to Lucas, but Lucas kept his opinions to himself. Eliott and Michele spoke briefly about their jobs. Eliott worked for an ad agency in the design department. Michele worked at a hospital; He was a doctor who had recently returned to private practice after working in research. The research lab was where he and Lucas had met almost two years prior.

  
Eliott seemed more relaxed but kept getting up to go to the kitchen and return with more plates of cheese and meats or drinks. Then there was coffee with a chocolate dessert that Tomas had made before he left. Even if Tomas was a little controlling, the guy could bake, Lucas admitted.

  
“Hey, guys, I’m going to step out and take a smoke. I’ll let you two talk.” Michele said after some time.

  
Lucas shook his head slightly, but Michele patted him on the knee.

  
“You haven’t had a cigarette in weeks,” he whispered.

  
“I know, I’m a doctor who scolds my patients who still smoke, but we agreed we would cut back, not quit completely, and I think I deserve one right now.” He quirked an eyebrow, and Lucas smiled, grabbing his hand to kiss it.

  
Eliott smiled at their display of affection before showing Michele to the bedroom, which had a small balcony overlooking the street below. Eliott walked back in the room and sat down again. He looked nervous.

  
“I’m sorry, Lu Lu. I just...needed to see you.”

  
“It’s ok.” He motioned towards the bedroom. “We’ll be okay.”

  
“Good...because that is one fucking hot dude...and he’s a doctor.”

  
Lucas paused, and then they both laughed.

  
“No...you did well, but also...you look happy,” Eliott said.

  
“I am.” Lucas admitted. “I think we work.”

  
He watched Eliott who seemed to buzz with nervous energy. Lucas wanted to touch him, to quiet his heart; he had to fight to sit there, to not do that. Every time he was near him, it was like an electrical charge whizzed through his brain. He felt like his mind traveled back in time to when he was sixteen, while his twenty-seven-year-old body remained glued to the present.

  
“Would you like something else?” Eliott asked.

  
“I think we’ve had enough,” Lucas replied, waving his hand over the coffee table, which contained half-eaten plates of all the foods Eliott had cooked or brought out for them.

  
Eliott ran his hands through his hair and sat back down in the armchair. He propped one leg on the table and pulled his pant’s leg up. “So, this was the straw,” he said, gesturing to a small tattoo on his ankle.

  
Lucas moved closer to peer at Eliott’s leg. There was a small tattoo there, no bigger than an inch long and wide. It was a drawing of a small hedgehog and raccoon. The area around it was red and irritated.

  
“Did you just get it?” Lucas asked.

  
“No,” Eliott replied. “It looks like that because it has been itching like crazy. I put something on it, so it’s better now, but it’s the latest source of our arguments.”

  
Lucas sat back on the couch. “Can you blame him? It would bother me, too, if Michele had an ex-lover’s name or-,” he waved at the drawing, “-spirit animal on his body.”

  
“But this is different, Lu Lu. Yea, it’s our spirit animals, but I got this before I met Tomas, when I finally found my way out of the darkest period of my life. I haven't had a major episode in over five years, around the time I got this. It’s like a talisman for me, but Tomas doesn't see it that way.” He paused as if carefully considering what he would say next. “It wouldn't make a difference, anyway, he has a problem when it comes to stuff like that.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but refrained.

  
Michele walked back in the room then; he looked from Lucas to Eliott. Lucas couldn’t read his eyes, which were always so expressive; it worried him a little.

  
“Sun’s coming up, and you’ve got a really nice view here from the balcony. Come on, you two.”

  
They looked at each other before following Michele back to the bedroom. A large bed with a thick, wooden headboard took up most of the space. A fancy plush duvet and feather down pillows covered the bed. Large floor lamps stood on each side. A Persian rug was covered in stacked books, mostly cook and art books, but Lucas also noticed books about philosophy and religion piled around the room. Just like the living room, the bedroom was cluttered but beautiful and warm. The art canvases stacked everywhere reminded him of the time he and Eliott shared an apartment; it brought back memories of his college days.

  
They stepped onto the balcony. It was small but more than enough room for the three of them. They stood comfortably against the railing, several stories up from the street below. Lucas stood in the middle. He grabbed Michele’s hand, and Michele squeezed his back. They looked out into the Paris dawn as the city welcomed the day with a quiet explosion of beautiful colors. Rays of blue, pink and yellow greeted them, and for the first time since Eliott’s call, Lucas was at peace.


	3. Chapter 3

**Lucas**

Before they left, Lucas convinced Eliott to reach out to his old friends, to rest, and to be patient. Eliott seemed more settled than he had been when they arrived and promised them he would get some sleep. Lucas said he would call him the next day to check on him. Michele offered to go with him to any of his doctor’s appointments if he needed an advocate.

Michele and Lucas returned home and crawled into bed. They kissed and held each other through the early morning and made love in the morning light, violet eyes staring into ocean-blue ones, light touches, but still not many words.

The next day Lucas received a message on Instagram from a ‘chefholiday’. He looked closely at the account and realized it was Tomas.

 **Chefholiday** : Hi, Lucas. I was wondering if I could meet you. Eliott told me you came by the other day, and I just want to talk to you. We can meet at a coffee shop or something. Thanks!

Lucas showed Michele the message. “More drama,” Michele said. “I have to do some coding and notes today before the work week starts, but let me know if you want me to go, maybe next Wednesday when I’m off.”

“I’d appreciate it,” Lucas said. “He knows I read the damn thing now, so I can’t ignore the message.”

Michele kissed him on the forehead before leaving the room to work in their home office.

 **Lucas Lallemant** : Hi, Tomas. Yes, my boyfriend Michele and I stopped by the other night. We can meet if you want. Does Eliott know?

 **Chefholiday** : I told him I wanted to meet you, and he was alright with it. I don’t want him to be there.

 **Lucas Lallemant** : Ok, give me a few minutes, and I will figure out a place and time.

Lucas called Eliott to check on him and confirm he was fine with him meeting Tomas. Eliott sounded better; he told him he had reached out to Idriss and Sofiane and would be meeting them the following week. He confirmed it was fine to meet Tomas. He asked Lucas to tell Tomas that he missed him; Lucas promised he would.

The following week, Lucas and Michele met Tomas at a coffee shop near Lucas’s job. Tomas walked in; he wore jeans, a striped black and white shirt and a large, black scarf. They waved him over to the table. He placed his order at the kiosk before sitting down.

“Hi Lucas...Michele. I’m glad you agreed to meet me.”

“It’s our pleasure,” Lucas said, unsure where the conversation would take them.

“I want to thank you for checking in on Eliott. Even though we aren’t getting along right now, I still care about him very much.”

“He wanted me to tell you that he missed you, Tomas,” Lucas said. “I guess you’re not answering his calls?”

“I can’t just yet,” he said. “Did you see that tattoo?” He looked at Lucas, his blue eyes drilling into Lucas’s own.

Michele looked over at him, questioning. Lucas looked back and placed his hand on his leg as if to let him know he would explain later.

“He did, but he got that ages ago. I told him I agreed with you about it, though.”

Tomas nodded his head. He kept pushing his glasses up on his nose, and Lucas noticed that he couldn’t keep his hands still; they always had to touch something, the napkin dispenser, his phone, his hair. He supposed it was why he made such a talented chef.

“The damn thing was irritated and itching for weeks for a reason, I know it, but that tattoo is just a symbol of a larger issue.”

“What do you mean?” Michele asked.

Lucas looked over at Michele again, trepidation twisting his belly in uncomfortable knots.

Tomas paused, looked over at Michele and then out of the window before finally returning his gaze to them. “It’s in the way I fucking sort of look like you,” he said, looking at Lucas. “And you-” he gestured toward Michele, “sort of look like Eliott. It’s bullshit!”

“That-” Lucas started to say that it wasn’t true, but Michele placed a hand on top of his own to quiet him. He shook his head, signaling for Lucas to let Tomas talk.

“I’m tired of sleeping with the ghost of relationships past in my bed...and really just one particular relationship,” he said as he pointedly looked over at Lucas. “It’d be great if I’d get to fuck you, too, but that would be like fucking myself so, no thank you!" He paused as if realizing he had probably gone too far. "Excuse my language, it’s just that I am pissed that it has taken me so long to finally come to terms with the fact that I am not happy anymore. I’m turning thirty in a few months, and I just want more.”

“I get that,” Michele said. Lucas looked over at Michele, again, a question in his eyes. He did? In what way?

“I think you should at least talk to Eliott,” Michele continued. “If you’re going to end things, give him a chance to explain. End things the right way.”

Lucas wondered if Michele was thinking about how Eliott had ended things with Lucas, about how long it had taken Lucas to forgive Eliott for it. It had been harder to forgive Eliott for the way he ended things than for the infidelity. Or, was Michele thinking about something else? He was thankful Michele came; he always knew exactly what to say, but Lucas was still unable to figure out where Michele’s head was, and it had been that way since they had visited Eliott.

They finally ended the conversation with Tomas. He agreed to talk to Eliott and consider working it out with him or at least ending things well. Lucas assured Tomas that Eliott loved him for him. It seemed like Tomas needed to hear it from Lucas instead of Eliott.

After they left the shop, Michele walked Lucas back to his building. “I remember when we first met here.”

“Me, too. I never thought I could be happy again, and then you walked into my life and made everything make sense.”

“Same here, my love,” Michele said, kissing him lightly on the lips. “By the way, you are so much prettier than him...and calmer...Woof!”

“Not funny, Michele,” Lucas muttered. “Do you believe that? All that stuff he said about me looking like him and you looking like Eliott?”

“Hmmmm...” Michele replied.

“It’s worse that he implied that I’m only with you because you look like Eliott.”

“He’s still young, mon amour...like you. I know that is not our truth, or rather, not all of it. I think we all look for pieces of home in other people...always, once we find it.”

“Ok, old man, you’re not that much older,” Lucas said. Michele was ten years older than him, but you couldn’t tell, except in the calm, mature way he handled everything, but Lucas knew that was just his personality. He had met people much older who were still very immature. “You’re my home, Michele.”

Michele just hummed again in response, a soft smile on his lips. He kissed him again, deeply, before walking off to the train station.


	4. Chapter 4

**Lucas**

Lucas noticed that their home was quieter in the weeks that followed. They talked, ate, made love, but everything seemed muted. He didn’t communicate with Eliott, except for brief weekly text messages to make sure he was handling the breakup well after he learned that Tomas had decided to leave. Eliott told him that he would be staying with his parents for the summer at the vacation home they had just purchased. Lucas wasn’t worried about Eliott, he sounded like he was managing the breakup well; Lucas was worried about Michele. He decided he needed some sort of grand gesture to show Michele that he loved him.

Lucas walked into their bedroom. Rain came down outside leaving tear-like rivulets on the uncurtained large window of their bedroom. Michele was sitting on the edge of the bed. He was motionless, the soft light from one-bedroom lamp casting shadows across his angular face, making his violet eyes twinkle in the dim light. Most of the room was dark and shadowy.

“Is everything okay, love?” Lucas asked. He didn’t want to hear the answer; the way his heart thudded in his chest portended something bad.

“We’ve always been honest and straightforward with each other, so I’m sorry I held this back, but I really just made up my mind about it today."

“Made up your mind about what?” Lucas asked. He sat on the bed beside Michele, grabbing his hand. Michele did not look at him, kept his head facing forward, looked into the darkest corners of their room.

“I’ve decided to accept a position with Doctors Without Borders. I have enough in savings and can take a pay cut for a little while. I think it’s time I figure some stuff out and help someone else who really needs it in the process.” 

Lucas was stunned. He had expected something, but not this, not Michele possibly leaving the country. “So...is this temporary...are we breaking up?”

Michele took a deep breath as he turned to face Lucas. “I think we should. At least for now. I need some time away by myself in order to really figure out what I need.”

“Don’t do this, Michele,” Lucas begged. “Please.” He stood up from the bed, paced back and forth, his mind was racing. “I knew answering that call was a fucking mistake.”

“Lucas, it would have happened eventually. It’s my insecurities; it doesn’t have much to do with what happened. I should have exorcised those insecurities by now, but I haven’t.”

“So we’re doing the ‘it’s me, not you’ thing now? That’s where you’re going with this? Where’s the honesty in that?” Lucas demanded, but Michele was silent.  “Michele,” he softened his tone and knelt to the floor in supplication. “I fucking love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” 

Lucas scrambled to the closet, grabbing the bag he had stuck behind one of the shelving units. He pulled out the black box inside and returned to kneel before Michele again. “I was planning something special next week, but I guess I’m doing it now.” Lucas opened the box, showing a simple gold band inside. “Will you marry me, Michele?”

Michele paused. He looked at the ring, touched it but did not remove it from the box. Tears matching the rain rivulets on their window silently fell from his eyes. “I’m sorry, Lucas. I know you think you love me enough for forever, and maybe you do. I’m just a few years from forty, and I don’t fucking know anything anymore.”

“You know us, you know I love you, and that we're good for each other. Please say yes,” he pleaded.

“I can’t, at least not now. But I don’t regret us at all.” He knelt beside Lucas, facing him and holding his hands. “I don’t regret letting you in, loving you. But something isn’t quite right, and I actually think it hurts more that it’s so fucking close, so fucking close that if I just give in a little, we could be there!” Michele paused, touched Lucas’s face. He wiped away the tears that were now flowing from Lucas’s eyes. “I could accept a little less of your heart knowing that there's a part that will never be mine. You gave that piece away so long ago. It may only be a small piece, Lucas, but it is the most important piece. You know how I am about honesty and honey, how can you be honest with me when you can’t even be honest with yourself?”

“Michele, that’s bullshit. I don’t know why you’re doing this. I’ll do whatever you want, whatever you need me to do!”

“So, if Eliott calls again needing you to come running, would you be able to say no?”

Lucas knew the battle was lost then. He could promise Michele fidelity and that he would put him first. He could promise love and forever, but he could not break the pact he had made to himself so long ago as a 16-year old boy. Was it healthy or right? He didn’t know; it just was. He was old enough to know that he could break the promise of that young boy who was now a man in order to save what he had now. He could choose this beautiful man in front of him, but there was a tie that bound him to Eliott, even if they were not together. He would not and could not lie to Michele, so he was silent.

“See. So, I know the timeline thing belonged to you and Eliott.” The tears from Michele’s violet eyes were flowing now like a faucet turned all the way on. “But I’d like to think that while there may be a million timelines that end with you and him together, there is at least one for us, one in which we end up together, complete and whole.”

He kissed Lucas then, their faces both wet with tears, and Lucas kissed him back tenderly, but he was out of words. Another person who he had given his heart to was leaving him no matter how he pleaded or tried to convince them that he loved them enough. It made him think: if everyone who was supposed to love you could leave you so easily, was it them or was it you? This time, however, he would not break apart as he had done before. Who would be there to stitch him together again? He would learn from this, learn what Michele taught him, what their time together taught him, and when his heart healed (because at least the first break had taught him it could with time), he would move forward with hope.   
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Epilogue**

**Eliott**

Eliott sat on the porch of his parent’s summer home, looking down at the tattoo on his ankle. 

He had fought to not call Lucas that night over a year ago. The fucking tattoo had been itching, actually burning. He had scratched it, then grabbed a fork to dig at it until his skin was red and irritated. He had to go to the corner market for medicine and bandages to make himself stop. 

He had begged Tomas to stay, but Tomas always disappeared when they had a major fight or when Eliott went through a depressive episode. He didn’t have the wide mood swings he had when he was younger, but the depression could still hit him like a hammer against the head, knocking him down for days at a time. Tomas always had to disappear, but he always returned. He stayed when others had not, and that smile always took Eliott home. When Tomas cooled off and came home, he would cook food until Eliott’s appetite returned, and then apologize and promise to not leave the next time...but he always did. When they had the fight about the tattoo, Eliott thought that it would be like all the times before, but this time Tomas made it clear that he would not be returning. 

He thought further back to the breakup with Lucas. He didn’t remember much about the week with Caleb. They’d drank and smoked too much, partied for three days straight. Eliott had not been as consistent with taking his medication in the months leading up to the fallout, and Lucas, who usually made sure he did, had been busy finishing up a major paper for class. Eliott and Caleb bonded over shared memories of their time at University. Caleb was having problems at home, and Eliott was having trouble finding a full-time job that would cover the bills. 

They commiserated and partied some more. By the time he came down from the mania and drug high, he was lying naked in bed with Caleb in a trashed fancy hotel room. When Caleb finally came to, Eliott tried to explain how everything had been a mistake. Caleb threatened to tell Lucas. He argued that Eliott without his medication was the real Eliott, and the real Eliott really wanted to be free of the cage of medication and therapy. Caleb admitted that he had been in love with him since their university days. He thought Lucas was too controlling, that there was no such thing as bi-polar disorder, it was just Eliott, and if Lucas couldn’t accept him for who he was, then maybe he wasn’t the one for him. 

Their argument escalated into a fight, which ended with the police being called to the room. Eliott and Caleb both were taken to jail. Alison and Lucas arrived at the station at the same time, and Alison attacked Eliott right in the police station, drawing blood. The police placed her in a cell for the night but eventually dropped the charges.

For days he tried to explain things to Lucas, but all the words tumbled out in incoherent half-thoughts, so he grabbed a sketchbook and filled it with the words that would not come to his lips. Eliott took responsibility; it was sometimes hard to know what part of his actions was him and what part was the disorder, but he knew he should have listened to Lucas when he asked him to distance himself from Caleb. He should have been more responsible about taking his medications. He should have been more honest with Lucas about his anxiety concerning his future. 

He filled two sketchbooks with poems and letters, handed them to Lucas, and then the deepest depression he had ever experienced grabbed hold of his mind with a vice-like grip. He was moderately better weeks later, and Lucas had been there, patiently waiting for him to return. Lucas had been willing to go to counseling and helped him with his doctor’s appointments, medications, and therapy sessions, but it had not been enough, and he had not wanted to taint Lucas any more with the darkness that was seeking to destroy them both, so he left.

He barely made it to his parents’ house; he had been so close to just leaving the city and never returning. They had helped him find an in-patient rehabilitation center where the counselors helped him see his disorder in a different light, not as a curse but as something he could control (with proper medication and therapy), so that he could use his journey to help others. The center espoused a holistic approach to therapy, everything from a recalibration of his medicine to changing his diet and exercise.

And one day, as he was sitting outside on the little stretch of beach near the center, a light rain started to fall, and he felt something shift inside of him. Years later, when he spoke at the counseling sessions there as a patient liaison, he tried to explain what happened that day, but the best description he could provide was that it had felt like he had cracked wide open. What Eliott never shared about that day was that he looked out into the ocean and was reminded of Lucas’s eyes, the rain reminded him of the first time they kissed, and when the sun finally broke through the clouds, he thought of Lucas’s smile, and he finally forgave himself for his mistakes. 

He had gotten the tattoo the next day; Danielle had been the tattoo artist. She had been the one to convince him to reach out to Lucas several months later. He had called him, and when he walked into the restaurant, Eliott knew he was still in love with him, but he was dating Danielle and owed her fidelity and honesty. They had broken up a few months later, but when he thought to reach out to Lucas again, he saw that he was dating someone new and was finally smiling again in his pictures.

Eliott kept his distance, making innocuous comments under Lucas’s social media posts from time to time, but then one night he had met up with two of his old friends from high school, Idriss and Sofiane, to try a new restaurant. The restaurant botched the order, and the head chef came to the table to make them something special to make it up to them. Tomas left his number on the table with a note to call. Tomas, whose hair, while darker, went this way and that, whose blue eyes reminded him of the sea, whose smile was as wide as the ocean. 

Tomas was fun and loved to dance, he cooked like an angel and made love like he was possessed. By the time Eliott realized Tomas was emotionally controlling and very untrusting, he had already fallen for him. He questioned the tattoo, but Eliott had explained it was something to do with his rehabilitation. The tattoo had always been a little of a sore spot for Tomas, but everything had come to a head when Tomas had come across a book of old sketches that had been placed away in a box Eliott had forgotten about, sketches of Lucas and hedgehogs and raccoons.

Tomas became obsessed with Lucas, followed him on social media, noted how Michele favored Eliott. They began to unravel quickly after that. He could not convince him that he was not a stand-in for Lucas. He loved Tomas for who he was, the way he cooked for him to express his love, the way he read with his mouth open like he was breathing in a story, the way he could never sit still for more than a few minutes, but could sit for hours just watching Eliott paint.

He made the call to Lucas out of desperation. He had started to dial the number ten times before finally letting the call go through. He did not want to bring havoc into Lucas’s life, his smile had finally started to reach his eyes again. He knew Michele was a big part of that, so when he heard Michele was also coming, he immediately wanted to put him at ease. He did not want to be the cause of any disruption to Lucas’s life.

After Tomas left him, he refocused on his art until he looked up and had sketched Tomas a dozen times, except the hair was too light, the nose too straight. He supposed Tomas had been both right and wrong, and maybe more right than Eliott had wanted to admit at the time. A few months after the breakup, his parents called to invite him to their summer home. They were inviting family, it could be a break from everything that was going on.

That had been last summer. He had returned to the beach house a year later, this time alone. His phone buzzed and he looked down to see a name that still made the butterflies take flight.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Lucas said. “Where are you? I hear...seagulls?”

“I returned to my parents’ beach house this summer. What are you and Michele doing this summer, do you guys want to join me?”

“Hmmm. It has been some time since we last spoke. Michele left me about two months after our last call, almost a year ago.”

Eliott felt his heart drop. “I’m sorry Lu Lu; I feel like that’s on me. I need to just stay away from you. I only bring destruction to your life.”

“That’s not how I see it, Eliott. I never did, although you never wanted to trust that, to trust me enough to let me all the way in. Michele...I don’t know. I think there must have been something bothering him even before you called; your call just forced us to address it. I guess as honest as he was, he found it hard to trust my love, too. Guess I’m shitty at showing it.”

“You are not Lu Lu. I think you just attract guys who want to protect that good heart of yours, but just end up breaking it in the process.”

“Hmmm, maybe, but after a little soul searching, I think he was right about one thing.”

“What’s that?” Eliott asked.

“Something he said about always trying to find things or people that remind you of home.” Eliott thought about that and knew what he meant. “Anyway,” Lucas continued, “he called me a few weeks ago. He wanted to get my blessing; he’s getting married to some guy he met over there.”

“Wow that was...fast,” Eliott said. 

“Yea, and he must really be something because Michele was never like that. He always took things slowly, sometimes too slowly. It sounded like some whirlwind romance, a love-at-first-sight thing in Sierra Leone.”

“Reminds me of a couple of stupid kids who didn’t know shit about shit...except that they really loved each other.”

“Yea,” Lucas sighed. “Hopefully they’ll do better than we did since they’re older and hopefully wiser than we were.”

“Don’t think it matters much when it comes to matters of the heart.”

“I think you’re right,” Lucas agreed. “So, the real reason for my call is that I wanted to see you. I think it’s time we talk...really talk. I was planning on taking a couple of months off, and it’s really hot here in the city...” 

Eliott laughed. “You are more than welcome to join me here. My parents won’t be here this summer, so you’ll be stuck with me the whole time.”

“Oh, well that changes everything. I think I’ll pass.” 

Eliott huffed out a laugh. “Ok.”

“Seriously, I want to get to know you again. The you now, not my 16-year old memory of you that I think I never let evolve.” 

“I’ve always been just me. Hopefully, I’m a little wiser now.”

“Hopefully, I’m a little wiser, too. I think I saw a gray hair the other day.”

“Oh, no!” Eliott said. “It’s all downhill from there.”

Lucas laughed and then was silent. After a few seconds, he finally spoke again. “So are you really alright with me joining you?”

“Lucas...I’m more than alright with you coming.” Eliott didn’t want to say more; he didn’t want to scare him away or make him change his mind.

He thought he heard a sigh of relief. “Okay, send me the information, and I’ll book my flight and send you the flight details as soon as I have them.”

They spoke for a few minutes more before finally hanging up. Eliott felt giddy with excitement; he tried, but couldn’t tamper the rush of emotion bubbling inside him. He would not push, would not expect, but he would accept whatever was offered. He was finally coming home, and if he had to break wide open again to let Lucas in this time, he would. He was ready.


	6. Chapter 6

**Bonus**

**Michele**

**(6 months earlier)**

It had been five months since he left Lucas, four months since their last conversation. The call had been brief; they had both said "I love you" at the end. Lucas hadn’t pressed him to reconsider the last time as he had the first call. Michele hated to hear the sadness in his voice. He had almost returned home a thousand times, but he couldn’t forget how he had felt in the room with them. He couldn’t forget the way their eyes always found each other, the way their bodies were in sync even when they weren’t aware of it. 

He was not strong enough to tell Lucas to work it out with Eliott; it wasn’t time anyway with the recent demise of both their relationships, but he could move out of the way. He thought Lucas needed Eliott as much as Eliott needed Lucas. Michele knew his actions hadn’t been all sacrificial and virtuous. He could admit he had been jealous and insecure, but he had also spoken the truth as he saw it. He did not want to share Lucas’s heart in that way, even if he had the rest of him.

It had probably been a very selfish move on his part. There were many nights that he lay in bed thinking he had made the biggest mistake of his life, but even before meeting Eliott and seeing them together, the way Lucas talked about Eliott had always been a little of a sore spot for him. He had been honest about that; they had talked about his past relationships as well, but something had been different about the way Lucas talked about Eliott. He believed he had rid himself of those insecurities, that was until Eliott's call. 

He finally made it to the simple, cement building where his team saw patients from the area. It was temporary, but they had already been there three months past the time that they had been promised. As soon as he entered, he heard a loud, booming voice in the administrative rooms.

“What the fuck is this?” The voice was deep, demanding.

Michele turned the corner and saw a tall man, just a couple of inches shorter than his 6’3” height with blonde, almost white hair. His eyebrows were the same color and were striking against his very tanned skin. He was yelling at Michele's staff and assistants.

They locked eyes, piercing green eyes meeting violet ones.

“Are you the doctor in charge here?”

“And you are?”

“Alexei York. I’m the Four Rivers Aid president. And you?”

“Michele Durand, and yes, I’m the doctor in charge...but why are you fucking yelling at my staff?”

**Michele’s story...to be continued...?**


End file.
